Not All Bugs Are Created Equal

Oops!

Wrong Horse

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

“What was that for?“ he asked.

“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Laura Lou’ written on it,” she replied.

“Two weeks ago when I went to the races, ‘Laura Lou’ was the name of one of the horses I bet on,“ he explained.

“Oh honey, I'm sorry,” she said, “I should have known there was a good explanation.”

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, “What the hell was that for?!”

“Your horse called.”

Thanks For Lending A Hand

One day, at a bus stop there was a blonde who was wearing a skintight
miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she
realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high
enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached
back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the
step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little
more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped
her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she
lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the
step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put
his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the
bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my
body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Trying to Quit

Three blondes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two girls are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "It's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the she pulls over.

The police officer walks up and says, "You ladies were swerving all over the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, officer," says the blonde driver, pointing to her forehead, "We're trying to give up, see, we're on the patch."

With A Little Help From His Friends

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ''Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the damned jar open

Submitted by Thunderbolt

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When Saint Peter shows up, they asked him. Saint Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" Saint Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

Submitted by Heff - Boston, MA

Retirement plans compared

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

This is called the ‘401-Keg Plan‘.

Submitted by ‘Frankie Bling’ - Stratford, CT

So That’s Where It Comes From

A little girls asks her mom where babies come from. Her mommy explains that when the daddy gets an erection, he places it into the mommy's vagina and plants a seed. Nine months later, out comes a baby. The little girl is satisfied with the answer and goes on her way.

After a week goes by, the little girl comes running into the kitchen early in the morning yelling, “Mommy!, mommy!, mommy!” Her very concerned mother asks, “What’s the problem?” The little girl tells her that she understands where babies come from, but late last night when she went past her parents open bedroom door, she saw her daddy with his penis in her mommy's mouth and not in her vagina.

Submitted by ‘Sleepy Mike’

Bra Sizes Defined by Bikers

Did you ever wonder why A, B, C, D, E, & F are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Darn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

Submitted by Bear - Denver, CO 

Never ‘Choke’ In The South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk
about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The
woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies
out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, “Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver'
but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!”

Submitted by Kim - LaCrosse, WI

Horseback Blonde

A blonde named Cindy decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior lessons or experience.

Cindy mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Cindy begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, Cindy grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly un-effected by its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. Her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when.........

...... the supermarket manager runs out and shuts the horse off."

Submitted by Geroge - Cleveland, OH 

D.D.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Alabama . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and
then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Submitted by Tracy - New York, NY

Not Easy Being Cheesy

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and eat bags of Cheetos."

Submitted by Shooter - Atlanta, GA

Good Advice

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

What’s Your Problem?

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"

It’s A Desert Thing

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big-chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"

Death or Booka!

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

Ouch!

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles, grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

Be Careful What You Wish For …

This man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. He stops and looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying beside a pool. He asks "What's the problem?" she says "Well I've never been hugged before." Well this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and gives her a hug. Half an hour later he is going back to his car and hears her crying. He asks "Now what's wrong?" she says "I've been thinking and I've never been kissed before". Well the guy thinks what's the harm in giving her a kiss to make her feel better? He hops the fence and gives her a kiss. At his car he finds that his keys are lost so he goes back to the girl and finds his keys there but he sees her crying again. Aggravated, "Now what's wrong" he asked. She responds "I've never been fucked before." The guy walks over, picks her up and throws her into the pool.  “You’re fucked now!”, he says.

Told Ya!

A man walks up to the bar, and speaks to the bartender. "I bet you $500 that I can piss in this cup from across the room." The bartender looks at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, "Ok buddy. You got a deal." So the man walks over to the other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and just lets it fly. Piss goes everywhere; on the bar, on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup. The man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, "Ha, ha, ha … Well pay up!” So the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bartender asks, "You just lost $500, why are you so happy?" The man turns around and says to the bartender, "Well you see that man over there." The bartender says, "Yeah." He replies, "Well, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over you, your bar & your customers and that not only wouldn‘t you be mad .. you‘d be happy about it!”

You Asked?

A man walks into a bar and immediately realizes its a gay bar. He thinks to himself I'm not gay but I really want to drink so he walks up to the bar. The bartender asks "What is the name of your penis?" The man says, "Man get outta my face I'm not like that, just gimme a beer." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry sir but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

The man says, "Okay then what's the name of your penis?" The bartender replies "Mine is named Nike, You know, Just Do It.” The man thought for a moment then replied, "Mine is named Secret." The bartender replied "Secret??" The man explained you know, Strong enough for a man, made for a woman."

Submitted by Shelly - Miami, FL 

You’re Invited

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightin' so I hope you are ready." College guy, "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy, "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."

Watch Your Mouth

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was

 "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"

Smart Ass

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Kitchen B*#@H!

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her
5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in
the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of
you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...
cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches
who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause
we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are
to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,
you may play with your train, but I want you to use
nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom
and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train
stopped and the mother heard her son say...
"All passengers, please remember your things,
thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those
of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking
in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see
the bitch in the kitchen."

Submitted by Nel - Branford, CT

Sorry I Asked

Two guys in a bar having a conversation.
“I can’t wait to get home and tear off my wife’s panties,” says one guy to his friend.
“Wow, your that horny, huh?!” asks his buddy.
“No, they’re just really tight.”

Submitted by Tina - Orlando, FL

Opps!

Q: What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
A: Wipe it off and apologize.

Submitted by TJ - Tampa, FL

Can I Get A Mulligan?

A guy walks into a restaurant and sees a miniature man playing the piano. Fascinated, he asks the owner, “How did you find this tiny guy to play the piano?” The owner replies, “I found a lamp with a genie in it and he granted me one wish.” “And so you wished for a 10-inch pianist?” the guy asks. “Well, not exactly.”

Submitted by Joe - Boston, MA

The Difference

The Difference Between a Republican & a Democrat. Fred Thompson and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5. NOW, Do you understand the difference?

Submitted by Dean - Wilmington, DE

Not Happy?

A guy driving down the street wasn't paying attention and rear ended another car at a stop sign.
The door flew open on the car in front of him, a midget jumped out, and went to the rear of the car to inspect the damage.
With his hands on his hips he said, "I am not happy!"
The guy who hit him said, "Then which one are you?"

Submitted by Dan - North Brunswick, NJ

“Dat Ain’t Bubba”

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob. The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba."

Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. "Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over," said Billy-Joe. The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Dat ain't Bubba."

"How can you tell?" asked the mortician.

"Cause Bubba had two assholes," replied Billy-Joe. "Two assholes? That's impossible!" said the mortician.

"Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!"

The Maid

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"

Ugly Baby

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."


The Frying Pan

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: "What was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse phoned."

Submitted by Tony - Dallas, TX


Late Night Phone call

The manager of a bar gets a phone call at three am at home…

“Hello?”
“At (burp) what time does the, err, bar open?”
“At eleven am sir”

At five in the morning, the phone rings again…

“Hello?!”
“Ya (burp), at what time does, err, the bar open?”
“Sir, at eleven IN THE MORNING!”

Again, seven in the morning, the phone rings yet again …

“WHAT?!”
“Ya, euh, (burp), at ...time, err, does the err (burp) bar open?”
“Sir, for the FINAL TIME! At eleven IN THE MORNING!!! But I am certain that since you’re are so drunk, I won‘t let you in!”

“I (burp) don't want, err, to get in, err, (burp) I want to get out!”

Mother Of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Lucky Guy

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,” I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."


Tombstone

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."
Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

Blonde TV

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

The Breathalyzer

A cop pulls over a blonde in a sports car.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Uh... yes." replied the cop.

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"

The Breast Stroke

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

The Lawyer & The Godfather

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Heavenly Lawyer

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to stay. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a plain kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

Irishman On A Desert Island

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

To Tired To Go On

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He hit the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask, so what did the chicken do?"

Smart Dog

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....

First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.

Second Woman : "I know..."

First Woman : "How?"

Second Woman : "My dog told me."

Bad Horse

Farmer Grossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

Farmer Grossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

Farmer Grossman says, "The horse blew first."


The Pig With A Wooden Leg

A traveling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour through the hinterlands of southern Arkansas and was visiting one particular farmer. He was standing, alongside of the farmer, leaning on the corral rail - as he always did before pitching "the new line of tractors" - and looking at all of the farm animals in the barnyard. Seeing one particular pig, he said: "Say, that sure is a fine hog, but, you know, I have never seen a pig with one wooden leg before." The farmer said: "You see, that there pig is one valuable animal, I can tell you. That there hog saved my life three times."

"The first time was about a month ago. My wife fried potatoes for supper, just the way I like them, and left the frying pan on the stove. About midnight or so, the pig must have smelled the smoke, but be broke out of his pen, butted the house door open with his snout, woke us up and we got out of the house just in time."

"And it wasn't but two weeks later and I was mowing on the back forty and I tipped the tractor over and it pinned me under the rear wheel. Gas was leaking out of the tank onto the hot manifold and that pig must have heard me yelling, because he broke out again, ran up to me, saw what had happened, ran to the neighbor, got help and the neighbor came with his tractor and pulled me free."

"And just last week, I was leading the old dairy bull out to pasture, and he raised up and pulled the ring out of his nose and, quick as two shakes of a dog's tail, he knocked me down. He jumped on me and straddled me with his horns and was about to gore me, when the old pig heard what was going on, broke out again, ran up, got a firm hold on the old bull's tail and I got away."

Having heard the explanation, the salesman said: "All well and good, but that doesn't explain why that hog has got a wooden leg." The farmer replied: "Well, in a way, it does. A pig that is that valuable is way too valuable to eat all at one time".

The Drunk & The Priest

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Tattoo Parlor

An elderly woman walks into a tattoo parlor.

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'

Boyfriend Names

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie. One day they decide to name their boyfriends after soft drinks to tell the difference between them.

The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up."

The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me."

And the third one says "I'll name mine Jack Daniels." The others say "Hey! That's not a soft drink that's a hard licker!". She says "That's my Georgie!!"

Ladies Room

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Drunk Driving

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.

The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"

"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

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